How to Get a Boyfriend (With Pictures)
by crescent dusk
Summary: Yuri retires after his bathroom encounter with Yurio. 2 years later, he is a burgeoning artist, but still hopelessly single. Despite common sense saying he can't find a boyfriend by sitting in his room, Yuri meets a man with a great sense of humor through a Facebook meme page and sets out to forget his childhood obsession with Victor, get a boyfriend, and prove common sense wrong.


This is a gift fic for daedreamer. If she hadn't bothered me so much while I was writing this, maybe it would be complete, but as it is, she will have to wait for a second chapter. Cheers to all the fujoshi out there who are reading this fanfic instead of doing strange things like go outside...Merry Christmas!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not even a Victor body pillow.

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The saddest thing in life, Yuuri decided, was to be at home with a cup of tea and not have any good fanfics to read. He tapped his fingers on the keyboard, undecided between typing in or ao3 or maybe just going on Youtube. Not Youtube. Out of the corner of his eye he could see his latest unfinished sketch and it seemed to be calling to him. He pushed it firmly out of sight. He sat back in his rolly chair and pulled out his phone instead, but as soon as he opened the internet app, he was faced with Google once again. But this time, the grey letters in the search box offered, "type what you're looking for."

"It's not like you can help me find it," he muttered. As if giving up on him, the screen went to black.

"Fuck it." He pressed the home button and glared at the impertinent search box before aggressively typing, "a boyfriend." He rolled his eyes as a link to a wikihow article on "how to get a boyfriend (with pictures)" popped up. Of course-what was he expecting? But since he had already done one stupid thing that day, he might as well continue; he had no good fanfics to help him kill the long, long night, anyway.

"Step 1: Meet New Guys," the wikihow supplied. "Join a new club, start a new activity. You never know where you might meet the One. Even just walking on the street gives you a higher chance of meeting someone than sitting in your house. You can't expect to get a boyfriend if you just sit in front of your computer all day."

And with that, Yuuri threw his phone somewhere in the vicinity of his bed and went back to staring at the computer screen. He had typed in an F and an A for when his history suggested he go on Facebook instead. He scrolled through his newsfeed and instantly decided that was a bad idea, as it was flooded with videos from the Grand Prix final. It had ended two weeks ago, but still Yuuri could not escape the reminders of how Yuri Plisetsky, at 18 years of age, surpassed the highest score of Yuuri's whole career by nearly half. But even Phichit, who had landed at the bottom for two seasons straight now, still posted selfies of every single meal he ate in Japan and, it seemed, every single time he saw Victor. And therein lay the real problem-that Victor had been in Japan for two weeks, landing six quads in the long program in that sleek black costume that really showed off his ass. The record-breaking program was playing now in his newsfeed, shared by some fangirl in the Victor fangirl group. To remind himself of the purely professional reason for which he joined such a group, Yuuri snatched up the unfinished drawing and a stick of charcoal.

The light from the window was failing by the time Yuuri blew off the excess dust from the paper and held it up at arm's length. He hadn't planned to paint this one, but the curve of Victor's arms, the long lines of his legs, the yearning in those eyes-yes, it had to be painted, the eyes had to be blue like life. A sudden _ping_ startled him. He looked at his computer to see that his newsfeed had refreshed and that video had long disappeared. His notifications informed him, "Phichit Chulanont invited you to like his new page, 'Figure Skating Memes.'" Yuuri was about to ignore it when a message popped up from Phichit.

"Come oooooon Yuuri, like my page! Think of it as a source of artistic inspiration ;) :P 3"

With a sigh, Yuuri clicked the notification and saw that there were already a few dozen posts and a hundred or so likes. Most of the posts were pretty banal memes posted by Phichit and a redundantly named Leroy King, and there were a few rather sexy shots of Victor posted by some random user and made quite vulgar by Chris's comments. He was about to close the page when a new post popped up. It was a "tag yourself" meme, with the six competitors in this year's grand prix final caught in their most embarrassing falls. Underneath were absurd, yet strangely accurate descriptions of each-for example, Yuri as a cat that liked to prowl around and think itself a snowy leopard and Victor as "hopes the ice will cool off his hotness but ends up melting hearts instead." Yuuri liked the post before taking his drawing up to the studio to transfer onto canvas.

The next morning, Yuuri turned on his phone and found it flooded with notifications. A warm feeling surged through him as he read a message from Phichit fangirling over the picture he posted the night before of the finished painting. But when he opened his instagram, his breath caught at the thousands of likes it had earned overnight. His number of followers had also jumped from 8000 to 10000 from the single post. He was rather proud of the painting, but he hadn't expected it to be that popular. Then again, his Victor drawings always did well. After basking in the glory, he checked Facebook and saw that someone had posted in the meme page again. With a gasp, he recognized his drawing and saw that the meme had garnered several likes as well. Above his drawing were the words, "In dreams…" and below it was a five-second video of Victor tripping over his toe-picks in practice, captioned, "In reality." Yuuri snorted before wondering how much that must have hurt and if Victor got bruises on those sharp hipbones of his and if it was difficult to peel off those tight-fitting training pants afterwards. And then he felt the heat rise in his cheeks and hastily liked the post before scrolling down. Right underneath that was another video-by the same user, Yuuri noticed-of JJ leaning against the boards, winking at someone, and stepping backwards onto the ice without looking. With a flash of his bright pink guards, he fell spectacularly and immediately attempted to stand up, only to fall again like a wobbly legged fawn. The video was captioned, "when you try to look cool when you see your crush." This time there was nothing to restrain Yuuri's laughter as he _haha-_ reacted to the post. Out of curiosity, he scrolled down the page and noticed several more memes that had been posted throughout the night, a few of which were by that user-Maccharedbean, they were called-and finally found the "tag yourself" meme from the day before. That one, too, was by Maccharedbean. Since he still had no good fanfics to read, Yuuri figured a little Facebook stalking never hurt and clicked on the profile.

The profile picture was a matcha with red bean from Vivi bubble tea-one of the few decent places in Yuuri's experience in America. Yuuri continued scrolling through the person's profile and learned-or rather, confirmed-that they had a great sense of humor. They only had 147 friends, but these included Phichit, Chris, and several other users on the figure skating meme page. A photo of an adorable, fluffy brown poodle popped up and Yuuri took a twenty-second break to admire it and absolutely not make any fawning cooing sounds in his empty bedroom. He continued scrolling and saw that every post was a figure skating joke or amazing food pictures from around the world or an adorable poodle shot. Yuuri jumped when his phone sounded with a notification. Before checking to see what it was, he saw with a feeling of dread that he had liked the post his phone was currently showing. He slowly scrolled back up and saw that the previous one, too, had been liked. With a sinking feeling in his stomach, he first checked the time-he had been on his phone for two hours-and then checked the date of the last post he had seen-it was from six years ago. He scrolled back up and realized that he had liked every single post from that first poodle picture on. He collapsed back against his pillows and pulled the blankets over his head. He was determined to never come back up, but within half a minute it became a little hard to breathe and he sat back up. Remembering about the notification, he turned on his phone again and saw a message from Phichit.

"Yuuuuuuuriiiiiii, can you draw something of me? Please? It's been forever since you've drawn me!"

Yuuri smiled and replied, "do you know someone called Maccharedbean?"

Facebook showed that Phichit saw the message instantly, yet it was three minutes before he started typing.

"You've resorted to facebook stalking my friends? SAD!"

Yuuri let his jaw fall open and made an indignant noise. "What do you mean?"

"When was the last time you left your room?"

"I picked up a cheque from the gallery five days ago!"

"You can't get a boyfriend by sitting in your room all day."

Yuuri threw his phone down and hugged his Victor body pillow tightly. He stared into those stupid blue eyes and they stared back at him.

Yuuri picked his phone up and typed, "We'll see about that." And then he huffily ran up the stairs and drew Victor for the next eight hours.

When he woke up the light through the attic skylight was grey, pre-dawn. Yuuri fumbled for his phone. 5:21 a.m. He had one notification. He rubbed his eyes and opened Facebook.

"Maccharedbean sent you a friend request."

Yuuri took a screenshot, sent it to Phichit, accepted the request, and promptly fell back asleep with dreams of poodles and bubble tea.


End file.
